My Journey to Intuitive Eating

I used to be so envious of the skinny girls who didn’t have to work to be skinny, who could eat a pizza and not gain a pound. Meanwhile, I sat there with my one slice and side salad wondering why I ended up with the “fat” gene. Why did I have to restrict myself and be “good” all the time while others could just be?

Looking back, to the skinny people I envied, I realized that, I wasn’t necessarily jealous of the person, but jealous of their freedom.

Their freedom to eat without restriction, their freedom to laugh when they take another slice and not feel judged. When I got the “Are you sure you want another slice?” they got the “Eat up, you’re so skinny” Why did I have to work so hard for thinness while others were just thin?

I struggled with disordered eating for as long as I can remember. I spent hours measuring, weighing, comparing, tracking, working out excessively to lose weight, to be that person who could just be. But I couldn’t just be, I constantly had to work at it. If I wanted to go out on the weekend I had to be extra good during the week, I had to work out extra hard to “earn my pizza” this cycle lasted for years until I finally felt like I was in a good rhythm and felt balanced. I hadn’t binged in a while.

I was asked to try another diet at my gym, and against my inner gut telling me not to I did it.

Then it happened, while I was on vacation with my family, I ate icecream and jokingly posted a photo, and I was shamed by my trainer, I was told I would never see results that I HAD to follow the diet strictly, that I disappointed him with my lack of willpower. That was the end of dieting for me.

My eating disorder was out of control. I starved myself for the rest of the weekend. I knew I NEEDED food but I couldn’t physically eat. My friends supported him by saying. “Well he’s just doing his job.” I searched for answers wanting to be fixed, wanting to not feel so pissed off. I tried to not be so angry, I tried to empathize and told myself I was the one who was in the wrong, I needed to change, he was right, I had no willpower, I had no chance of getting results, I wanted and I was the problem. I tried to move on and forgave thinking “They’re right. He’s just doing his job.”

Until it dawned on me. I wasn’t the one who needed to change my thoughts, I wasn’t the one who was broken. I’m not the only one who has been through this and has been made to feel shame and guilt surrounding their food choices. I realized NO, it is not a trainer’s job. It is no one’s JOB to SHAME someone for enjoying their vacation. I don’t pay someone to shame me, I pay them to support me.

I decided that day that NO MORE was I going to feel shame for eating, no more was I going to work so hard for results that just never seemed to come. No more was I going to let someone else control how I felt about myself and my decisions!

It was society and diet culture that has made us into individuals who fear food, who make us believe that in order to be happy we need to work out to earn what we eat and what make us feel bad for enjoying our lives. No, it wasn’t the trainer’s fault either, he was only doing what he thought was his job, what diet culture had told him to do.

I researched my disorder and found help in a Binge Eating support group where I was introduced to Intuitive Eating.

Intuitive Eating taught me how to listen to my body. It taught me that food has no morality and there is no good or bad foods and that no food is off-limits. It was not easy and I didn’t learn everything overnight.

It’s been a year since that day and my life has changed sooooo much. I’m no longer envious. I don’t work harder than before. I eat how, when and what I want because I trust my body to do it’s thing and regulate me. I’ve learned what works best for me and found that FREEDOM, the freedom that I was so jealous of in my early dieting years.

I became a Body Positive Trainer because I believe that the conversation needs to change. Diet Culture has convinced us that there are things we can and cannot eat and bikini bodies are made in the winter. As if we are not worthy to go to the beach if we don’t have a six pack. I’m here to change that.

That’s why I’ve partnered with Julie Graham, Food and Body Relationship Coach. We want to help more women feel the freedom of Intuitive Eating, and go from struggling Dieter to Body Peace Bada$$!!

We know that getting started with Intuitive Eating can be overwhelming. That's why we've created this Body Peace Bada$$ Book Club which you can join for FREE through October!

Join Here

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